Nothing has changed. Except it will never quite be the same again.

It was a funny old day yesterday. It started out as quite a normal day. Fighting over who got the last of the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, attempting to coax the four year old into wearing something with her Peppa Pig wellies (as in actual clothes), dragging my brood to Waitrose as the cupboards were bare (see Crunchy Nut Cornflake-gate above) but somehow I don’t think that life will ever quite be the same for me.

You see, nothing has changed. Except it will never quite be the same again.

I’m now sounding terribly dramatic, I know. And also slightly cryptic. And I have a feeling that this may be a rambling one so please bear with me. I have always seen my blog as my space. Warts and all. So I make no apology for writing this.

You see, I knew that something was wrong. If I’m being completely honest, I had known for some days but I was ignoring it in the hope that it might just go away. Not the best way to deal with problems, I know. Anyway, my Other Half was working from home yesterday so I took that chance to go and see a doctor. I hoped that I wasn’t wasting his time but his manner suggested otherwise.

I think I might have had an early miscarriage.

He huffed and typed into his computer as I fumbled over dates and explained my symptoms then he went on to churn out phrases like ‘maybe it was for the best’ ‘nature is just taking its course’ ‘more than one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage’ ‘the bleed means that there is no pregnancy to test for’ ‘you would have been so early on that there wouldn’t even be anything there to scan’ ‘just a mass of cells’ ‘nothing that can be done’

I stopped hearing him after a while. Tears streamed down my face. I didn’t expect to be so upset. I hadn’t even realised that I was pregnant. Now I was facing the reality of losing my baby. It was all very strange.

I feel like a fraud for even being upset. How can I be upset about losing a baby that I didn’t even know that I was having? How can I suddenly feel so numb? So empty? When I didn’t even know that I was pregnant? We weren’t even trying for a baby. I don’t feel like I have the right to be upset.

Everything is the same as it was, except it doesn’t feel like it quite now. I’m torn between being completely heartbroken and feeling that I don’t have the right to be. How can I be heartbroken about a baby that I didn’t actually realise I was having until it was too late? Up until now, I have never truly known just how fragile life is. I thought I did. But I really didn’t.

All around me, life is carrying on. The reality is that I have to carry on as normal. But that doesn’t mean that I feel like it will ever be quite the same again. I find it hard to believe that anything so heartbreaking can be for the best, just natures way and all the other stock phrases that the doctor churned out. I feel like he saw me as just one of those awful statistics. A waste of his precious time. That I should just brush myself down and carry on as normal. There is nothing that he can do for me. But I don’t think it is quite that easy. Not for me at least.

Part of me wants to grab the gorgeous children that I do have and never ever let them go. I have never felt so blessed to have them. Another part of me wants to run away from the world and curl up into a ball somewhere. I just need the world to stop. Just for a little while. But the reality is of course that it can’t.

86 thoughts on “Nothing has changed. Except it will never quite be the same again.

  1. Kate AG says:

    Sending you lots of love. Nothing may have changed on the outside world but it has changed for you, regardless of whether you knew or not.

    Take some time out & look after yourself, it will get easier but it’s only just happened. You’ll need the time. X

    Like

  2. Karen Jones (@allaboutheboys) says:

    Oh Sarah I am so sorry lovely lady. I totally understand what you are saying and of course you have the right to be sad and shocked. I do think that doctors in my experience tend to be far too matter a fact about this subject. I suppose they see so much of it, it becomes routine, but to you (us) as mothers it is another life, another child, our child.

    Massive hugs lovely. Always here for you.

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  3. KARA says:

    Oh lovely you are of course allowed to be upset. I haven’t publicised it but I myself have had 2 early miscarriages these past few months. Neither was planned I have been having issues with my pill. I cried for 3 days after the 2nd whenever I was alone. I feel so hurt. I feel panicked too that this shall keep happening. It is still a loss intentional or not. My heart goes out to you. Nothing will take away your feelings but let them run there course and if you want to talk I am a tweet away xx

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  4. Confessions Of A SAHM says:

    Big big hugs to you. Miscarriages are horrible things, no matter how early they are. I can’t believe how doctors just shun it nowadays as if it’s a normal occurrence and not think about how heartbreaking it is for the woman.

    There’s nothing I can say which will make everything ok, but sending you big hugs xxx

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  5. Ali says:

    Oh I am sorry x but feeling upset even if you didn’t know is perfectly natural and your hormones are going to be all over the place too. You are such a maternal Mummy that well feeling like this is you because you are you.

    Take care, hug your lovely children xxx

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  6. crazybunny66 says:

    I´m sorry for your loss and I think it is totally normal for you to grieve, it does not matter how early or far on you´ve been and doctor´s are always quick with comments like ” it might have been for the best”, that does not ease the pain you feel. Talk to your husband or a friend maybe, they´ll understand. Just because you did not know that you were pregnant at the time, does not mean that you care less or not at all. We´ve bought a nice plant after my miscarriage 10 years ago (money tree actually, because they are very resilient). I needed something to remind me of the baby that wasn´t to be and I still think about it, it will always be part of me and our life.

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  7. motherscuffer says:

    I have just sobbed reading this, I am so so sorry. You have every right to feel sad about this loss, I only knew about mine for 4 days and felt heart broken. I completely get your feelings of wanting to grab hold of the children you have and for wanting to hide from the world. Take your time and all the support you can as it is a difficult time and you need to be gentle with yourself. I can promise you that it gets better with time, but you do need to take care of yourself. Much love x

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  8. tiddlyompompom says:

    Oh lady, that’s so sad. You are very much allowed to feel sad and should let yourself be so. I lost a baby at 5 weeks & was treated like crap. You have suffered a loss, and must make sure you let yourself grieve. Big love x

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  9. Nikki Thomas says:

    Losing a baby at whatever stage is devastating. It is a small part of you and a part you can’t get back. I had an early miscarriage and like you I felt like everything was different, slightly out of focus. I can truly sympathise with you and I think it is an experience that really does make you see how precious life is. I went on to have a little girl a year after my miscarriage, and things will get easier with time. Take care x

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  10. EssieRae says:

    I really feel for you, I had the same thing happen to be me when my youngest was 10 months old. I had no idea I was pregnant just gone back on the pill, but something was definitely telling me I was pregnant and if I was something was not right. When I did finally go to the dr’s I found I had been 8 weeks pregnant but was miscarrying. I felt completely shocked and very sad even though I hadn’t known about the pregnancy. I was very upset when I told my hubby and kept saying I know this wasn’t planned but still felt an extreme sense of loss. I still think of what might have been but the pain doesn’t leave me completely, although looking at my 2 beautiful children helps immensely. Give yourself time to grieve, hugs to you xx

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  11. The last slayer says:

    I’m trying to put into words how I feel after reading your post but I’m really struggling to find the right ones, as I’m worried anything I write will sound insincere or trite or patronising. I basically just want to say I’m sending you (((hugs))); it’s not wrong for you to feel in pain or to want to run away. Please don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t feel like that. You have every right to feel gutted and if you need to, you sit down and have a bloody good cry. We’re all here to support you xx

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  12. Loonylis says:

    Big hugs. I really feel for you, you have every right to be upset. I too know what you mean about the attitude of doctors, I bled constantly until I was 14 weeks pregnant on my 4yo, and the attitude of the doctors & hospital staff was “well there’s nothing that can be done about it, you just have to go home & wait & see what happens, whatever is going to happen will happen, and you just have to go along with it” they made me feel awful. Grab your kids and give them a big hug x

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  13. Jayne Bradshaw says:

    I’m so sorry to read your sad news. I had an early miscarriage and was very matter of fact about it until about a week later and I just sat and sobbed, my husband found me sobbing when he got home from work. He didn’t realise how it had effected me, not sure I did either.
    Regardless of when it happens it is devastating and heartbreaking. Talk to someone, you will feel better when you’ve talked. You are perfectly normal to feel like you do.
    Sending hugs – it does get easier I promise x

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  14. HELEN says:

    I can totally feel for you as when I went through this the first time I miscarried, I felt so alone & guilty for feeling so upset – especially when my GP told me that ‘there was nothing really to grieve over’. The same GP that signed me off work with ‘stress’ when I went to him for help as I had miscarried but it hadn’t been confirmed by the NHS, only a private clinic.

    You have every right to be upset & you will be, it may catch you totally unawares but don’t feel bad…and it will get better
    xx

    Like

  15. Snafflesmummy says:

    Oh lovely. Huge massive hugs. Not knowing doesn’t mean you can’t grieve. Sometimes you don’t think you want something until its a possibility so to have it taken away.

    Be kind to yourself
    X

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  16. mummydaddyme says:

    Hi lovely I am so sorry to hear this. Of course you have the right to be upset, regardless of whether you knew or not. Sending you massive hugs. Xx Katie

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  17. The Breastest News says:

    I know nothing I say can make things better but you have every right to be upset even though you weren’t fully aware. The ‘ball of cells’ was your baby and grieving is only natural. Let yourself grieve properly and don’t let some silly doctor tell you otherwise.

    xx

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  18. @gourmetmummy (susan) says:

    Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. I can’t stand those phrases. There is NEVER a time when “it’s for the best” losing a baby or “it’s best it happens now”
    You’re a mummy who has lost a precious baby, you’re allowed to grieve and be sad.
    Thinking of you
    xxx

    Like

  19. sarahmumof3 says:

    I am so sad to read this post 😦 much love to you, take as much time as you need to understand your feelings as it is only natural your going to feel the huge sence of loss 😦 xxxx

    Like

  20. Emily - Mummylimited says:

    First of all you have every right to feel however you feel and it’s so important that you listen to yourself. It will help I promise. Doctors can be so insensitive around this subject or at least some of them can. It is terrible, they really just don’t get it. It is an emotional thing, not just a medical thing. You have suffered a loss and as with any loss it is going to affect you. I am so sorry and I totally ‘get’ what you say about things never quite being the same. I’m not going to start banging on about my stuff just now, but just know I am thinking if you and if you ever want to offload, I have a good ear and a shoulder. Much love.

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  21. Helen Adams says:

    Everything you have said is so true of nearly all women who have had a miscarriage, a little bit of the bright shiny world just goes dull. It does not matter how far into the pregnancy you were or if you have children or not the raw emotion a miscarriage leaves you with is an overwhelming one that takes time to get over.

    Give yourself time to grieve, and take time for yourself to reflect. Giving you many hugs and thoughts.

    Like

  22. MargotBarbara says:

    I’m so very sorry to hear this news. Of course you have suffered a loss and you should grieve for that, however much you need to, irrespective of what a doctor says. I don’t know what else to say, except that I will be thinking of you and sending you the biggest virtual hugs that I can. xxx

    Like

  23. Chris Mosler says:

    Oh darling girl. I’m sorry. I would like to enfold you in my arms, I know how this feels and you are allowed to grieve, you don’t have to explain that to anyone, not even yourself. Big love to you honey. xxx

    Like

  24. Katy says:

    I’m so sorry. GIve yourself the chance to grieve, but truly, you never fully get over the loss. I miscarried at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy and your blog just made me cry. SO sorry. I guess it’s a reminder of how precious life is, and what a gift children are. Be sure to hug yours extra tight x

    Like

  25. richmondmummy says:

    So sad to read this and so sorry you’re going through this awful time – it’s heartbreaking whatever stage, whether planned or not, you have every right to take the time to grieve. Sending lots of love xxx

    Like

  26. 21stcenturymummy says:

    The same thing happened to me before Miss C was born, I had no idea I was pregnant. When I found out, I’d actually a missed miscarriage. It was horrible. Thinking of you. x

    Like

  27. laurasbloggyblog says:

    My heart goes out to you. I would feel exactly the same. You’re feeling loss for someone you never got to feel hope for, it’s not the way we are programmed to expect things. I hope you can be reassured in some tiny way by that xxxx

    Like

  28. laurasbloggyblog says:

    I just wrote a comment but don’t think it posted…

    My heart goes out to you hon, I would feel exactly the same, you have every right to feel this way. You’re having to grieve for someone you never got to feel hope for. Thinking of you xxxxxxx

    Like

  29. @somethingblue_2 says:

    I am so terribly sorry hun. You should not feel guilty for grieving, it is natural and the loss of a baby is devastating no matter if you knew you were expecting or not and no matter how many children you already have. I am disappointed that your GP was that way with you – none of the platitudes are going to help. Even though we know there is nothing they can do in that situation a simple “I’m sorry” is better than dismissing your feelings. We are all here for you though, any time. Sending big massive hugs xxx

    Like

  30. Hannah (@MuddlingAlong) says:

    Oh I am so sorry – been here and gone through exactly what you are feeling

    Yes it probably is all for the best etc etc but even so you have lost a baby, that possibility and you need time to grieve for all that meant, even if you only knew as it was ending

    Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and I’m here if you want to talk xxx

    Like

  31. alysonandrew says:

    I’m so sorry I only just saw this and what you have been going through and I wanted to send you a virtual squeeze x

    Like

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