Struggling. Really struggling.

Back to school.

Those words used to fill me with dread when it was me wearing the itchy new uniform and they still do today *sigh*

Now they mean the end of a fabulous summer holiday. The end of lazy mornings and lapsed bedtimes. I think our family is much happier when the children can be slightly feral. Nobody ever died from going to bed with mucky knees and eating too many pain au chocolat, right? I love having a house full of children. I love that being at home with them means that we are free from routine and clock watching. In the last six weeks, we managed to find that perfect balance of getting away on holiday, lots of days out and long lazy days at home too. But as always, the summer holidays were over way too fast and I feel like I’ve come crashing down with a huge bump this week.

I hate the monotony that comes with going back to school. The packed lunches that have to be made. The homework that you have to nag to get done. Forgotten lunchboxes and lost PE kits the second day into term (Yes. Really.) Different children having to be in different places at different times. That feeling of being worried sick to the very pit of your stomach that they are having a nice day that doesn’t ease no matter how many years you have been doing this back to school thing (Or at least for me it hasn’t.) Three of mine went back to school this week. They’ve all had a really good week which is such a huge relief. The kind of relief that makes you burst into tears without warning.

But come next Monday, it will be all change again. My baby starts full time school. Right now, this is looming over me like a huge dark cloud. Just thinking about her starting school makes me a blubbering wreck. I don’t know how I am going to get through that first morning. I will though. Because I have to. Lucky for me, my four year old has been looking forward to this day for as long as I can remember and is more excited than an excited thing. I imagine that her bravery will go a long way in helping me paint on my happy face as I wave goodbye. I will miss her so much. So so much. Just like I have her siblings before her. Starting school is always a huge milestone but I can’t help but think that for me at least, it’s an even bigger milestone as she is our baby. Our last ever baby.

It’s the end of such a huge era for all of us. My little girl is so ready for school and I can’t wait to see the little person that she will become. I can’t wait to see her thrive in this the start of her exciting journey into school life. But it’s only natural that at the same time, I am struggling with the fact that this is the end of our baby days. Really struggling in fact. More than I ever expected. I was kidding myself into thinking that I was okay with it all. I’m really not. She hasn’t even started school yet and I already feel completely lost.

Somebody pass the tissues please *sob*

 

 

17 thoughts on “Struggling. Really struggling.

  1. Mummylimited says:

    Oh honey, big hugs to you. I have little useful stuff to say as know I’ll be the same next year and you can hold my hand.

    I do fine though that the thought of these things is often worse. She’ll start, you’ll get such a buzz to see her thrive and know that you’ve helped her be ready and it will become your new normal.

    Here for virtual lattes in CK cups next week xx

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  2. avenue57 says:

    I really admire your feelings … I wish I were more of a natural mummy who LOVED spending time with her children! I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I hate not getting anything done when we’re all on hols – I work from home so it’s a constant juggling act – never quite managing to do any one task well – worker, mother, housekeeper, chef etc etc

    If I could just have the long lazy mornings, them at school from 11am – 6pm then I’d be very happy!

    Good luck to you and your little one starting reception next week!

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  3. Victoria says:

    I found my baby starting school REALLY hard. I cried a lot. I felt sad for a long time. But it did get better, and I feel better and it’s really OK now. I still don’t like the whole back to school thing, but it’s not like it was that year. Big hug xxx

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  4. Suzie says:

    It’s so hard isn’t it? But take heart in the fact that your little girl is looking forward to school most likely because you have given her the best preparation possible and although it will be horrible on Monday, she’ll still need you and will always really be your baby! I should assemble cake, a stiff gin, a good magazine and a bar of chocolate on your kitchen table come Monday morning, along with all the lunchboxes and PE kits (and a handful of tissues) and you’ll get through. Suzie x

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  5. Jen (@MmeJennifly) says:

    I really dislike back to school time too. My kids started on Tuesday. My youngest also started going all day (she went half day last year) and it’s been really hard to let her get on that great big school bus and get wisked away without me having any control of what happens to her. 😦 It’s really hard. My older three have been in school for several years now, but my daughter had a rough first day and it just broke my heart – unhappy kids = unhappy mama. So, I get it. Totally get it. *hugs and shares tissues*

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  6. citygirlnomore (@citygirlnomore) says:

    Totally feeling your pain. I have loved these past six weeks having the children home for exactly the same reasons you write above. When the time came to drop my youngest now 6 off for his first day, I spent the entire day in tears – the house suddenly felt so quiet and empty. Not long now until the October half term.

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  7. Nikki Thomas says:

    Aw such a beautiful post! It is a huge and emotional voyage, being a parent and the ironic thing is that as sad as you feel about the first days, the last days are just as tough!

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  8. TheMadHouse says:

    Sending huge hugs over the miles to you. You know I feel the same way as you do. I miss my boys terribly when they are at school and sobbed for the whole day when Mini first went to school. I hasn’t got easier for me, partly as we all enjoy each others company so much, but I try to busy myself and make the most of the time we do have together. Sending lots more hugs!

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  9. OrganicAngel says:

    Oh I thought I was the only one that loves the school hols! I feel your pain 😦 Hope it all goes well xxx

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  10. Mummy's on the wine says:

    I wrote a pretty similar blog this week about my baby going back to school. Everytime I thought about him going to school I would well up, just like you. Yesterday, on his first day back I was a wreck. But you know, today I’m ok. He seems to enjoy it, which is a relief, and it’s lovely to see him rush up to me and give me a hug, with a big beaming smile, when I meet him at the end of the day. He’ll always be my baby but he needs this new chapter. Big hugs to you, lots of tissues and oversized sunnies for that first day back x

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  11. Icklebabe says:

    Hugs wifey!
    I totally understand, especially the last baby thing, it’s so so bitter sweet.
    Milly started to go two full days to Pre school this week, and she loved it, but my heart was in complete termoil ! So i can only imagine what it will be like when she goes to actual school.
    The whole family feels the same too, i think we all want milly to stay a baby forever… Which i know isnt fair on poor milly, but still, its there, that feeling of loss….
    Lol, I sound crazy I know, but basically I just wanted to say I get it, and I’m with you sister! 👊❤
    Bring on the sunshiny ferrel kids days where the chance to just enjoy “the now” never ends 😉
    Xxxxx xxxx

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  12. HonestMum.com says:

    Good luck sweetie-this post brought tears to my eyes. Such a wonderful rights of passage and now you will have you time to saviour too x

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  13. kellie | swimwear for kids says:

    I can relate to this post so much. Its just hard to accept that your little baby girl is growing up and having her separated to you for the very first time is very sad.. But I’m sure she’ll be okay and will enjoy her very first day at school. Have a great day, sweetie! 🙂

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